You’re just a running along, pretty rested up because the only thing that was difficult besides that retarded ass maze room in the Fire Temple was The Fire Dancer mini boss. You’re also off the high of beating Volvagia, who you beat faster than Queen Gohma. So what’s next? A quick trot you and Epona make across Hyrule field from Death Mountain Crater to Zora’s Domain. You swag out Zelda’s Lullaby and you’re in.

But wait, after you find King Zora’s fat ass in what looks like a block of frozen cherry Jell-O, you see that you’ve got to endure what might be considered the wackest of all side levels ever created. The Ice Cavern. Flying blue bats that freeze you *blink*, some kind of ice sculpture thingamagig that guess what…freezes you. Then that over complicatedly buttfuck of an ice block section, which now you’ve developed a newfound sense of acrophobia due to the fact that you could fall off the edges at any given moment. And this is all just a prelude.

Now you’ve gotta go where?

What did you just say?





asdkajldfkjaSKRtj’o3i ldjfa;,sdjr’h’olkjp28u]-8y09-1493 319!!!

Oh! Sorry! I just threw my keyboard down and river danced on that bitch. Does that shit say the WATER TEMPLE? You bet your highly frustrated ass it does.

They ain’t lying

Popular to contrary belief, although playing video games is fun, at NO point should it make you want to re-up your gun permit and go shoot a dolphin.



First of all the probability of me believing that the Zora can create a tunic that helps me breathe under water, but can’t design a temple that doesn’t want to make me pull out each one of my hairs individually with a pair of pliers is very low. Who, on what drug, created this shit?

So in a nut shell, The Water Temple was created to….*blink blink* Oh right. The Water Medallion. It was created to protect the Water Medallion from the hands of evil, but apparently the way it was designed, it protects EVERYBODY from ever laying a finger on it. At one point in the game, you forget that it exists. Hell is it even REAL?

There are three levels of bullshit where you, your tunic, boots and longshot have to figure out what level the water needs to be at, what room you need to be in at the correct time, deciphering whether you need a big key or a small key, all the while avoiding whirlpools, spiked clamshells, those godforsaken Tektites, and a grown up and apparently horny, Princess Ruto.

If he hit that….is that considered beastiality? I mean it’s not to far removed from Ariel and Prince Eric.

And JUST when you think you’ve pretty much got your “longshot here, okay, big key there, iron boots here, longshot, longshot, longshot, take your boots off. Wait, damn it. Hell, start over. Gahdamn it Link! Take your boots off! Ah shit I accidentally switched to the Fire Tunic! I can’t breathe, I’mma die. Oh shit! Oh…okay. I made it!” swag down, here comes THIS monkey see monkey doo bitch.

Hey there

After clashing swords for thirty minutes you realize you can just daddy stroke on the devil’s head with some Din’s Fire. So at this point, you’re thinking that after all the bullshit with water levels, and keys, dungeon maps, crabs that can float on water, longshots and arrows, that the boss of this Temple is about to whoop yo ass, right?



All of this for MORPHA? Morpha. A GIGANTIC AMEOBA? This is who you’ve chosen to guard the Water Medallion?
Fuck you Water Temple. Fuck you.

People ask me all the time “Jade! Why do you like anime so much? Should I watch it, too?”

Bitch, because I do. And yes, you should. Surely I, being of quick wit and intelligence, figured early in life that this wasn’t the correct answer. So I came up with this.

As I was contemplating writing this, I discovered it was insanely hard to write. It sort of like, someone who went to school to study Physics, and turns around and tries to explain why they love Physics without trying to cram 4 years worth of Physics learning down a person’s throat. Does that make sense?

I started watching when I was nine years old, and I’m 28. So, you know…baby steps and baby bites.



Anime. By definition is just the Japanese’s basic cartoon. Pen, paper, paint, voice actors (or seiyuu), studio and you’ve got an anime.

9/10 an anime will originate as a manga (Japanese comic) and will be adapted as an anime depending on the popularity of it. But for time’s sake, I won’t go into that. A great anime and a great manga are TWO different red booty monkeys.




Most of you probably experience some level of anime, with producers such as VIZ and DiC bringing anime to America’s television with dubbed over English voices. The two most popular and frequently mentioned anime that most Americans have watched would be Sailor Moon and Dragon Ball Z.



Although heavily edited, chopped and screwed from the original manga and Japanese anime, it introduced a different world (over-characterization of the facial features especially the eyes, mannerisms, cultural influences, and continuous flow of a storyline). So if ANYBODY wants to start somewhere, those would be a great cornerstone, seeing as it’s easy enough to find whole arcs of the storyline, rather than getting what you can when you can.

If you’re older and not particularly interested in the juvenile themes( although still more complex than a lot of the cartoons shown stateside) presented in those aforementioned animes, you can try for a bit more mature taste found in animes such as Ninja Scroll, Gundam, Neon Genesis Evangelion. Or movies such as Ghost in the Shell, or Akira. Most of these you can still find in a dubbed format.


A middle ground, possessing adult themes but still fun to watch would be animes such as One Piece, Samurai Champloo, Inuyasha, Naurto or Bleach. If you’re lucky most of these are still being shown on Cartoon Network in the dubbed format.



I recommend watching anime dubbed, until your familiar enough with it, before moving into what most elitist anime watchers do. Same titles as mentioned before, except it’s a mixture of watching the anime (subtitled with the original seiyuus instead of English voices), reading the manga, and being able to discuss the complex themes that underlie the more apparent themes presented.

Japanese term used to refer to people with obsessive interests, particularly anime, manga, or video games. It’s supposed to a negative term, but fuck you, it ain’t.

If you’re ready to get started, you can of course catch these shows late at night, mostly on Cartoon Network. Once you’ve digested the three or four animes they grace us with, you can now start into the world of the fifty-‘llem animes available to you online….for FREE .99. Websites such as anilinkz.com or animefreak.tv offer free dubbed and subbed animes to anyone willing to wait for the streaming video to load. If you’re interested in reading the manga directly, try onemanga.com or bleachexile.com. When your anime balls are big enough, come holla at me. Then I’ll start showing you some REAL shit.

I HAD some videos to show you, but some of my anime obsessed counterparts are real life ACTUAL NERDS. Like pocket protector, take my T9 Calculator everywhere I go, What’s a Vagina? type nerds and….

Well…. *sigh* Watch it anyway.

I started this conversation late night with #BasedLenzy (shoutout to Dr. HipHop ) and it was what spawned the thought about Peter Pan’s hoe ass.

But we’ve got to start thinking of things outside of the crap we were spoonfed as children, and analyze them as adults. Disney, although makers of my favorite movies and defnietly my favorite soundtracks, was full of shit. A bunch of stoners that sat around with pens, color pencils and paper, trying to figure out how to delay the mindfucks they subjected to us as kids. We’d only discover these things as we reached a certain age and then BAM….childhood lost.

Simba was a bitch. In modern times, Snow White would be considered a loose woman, co-habitating with 7 men, unmarried. The Great Prince of the Forest (Bambi’s dad) had to deal with going from weekend visitation rights to taking care of him every day. Think about it. How many Disney characters made it out of the movie with both parents alive? Right. All kinds of craziness was going down. But hear this: verily I say unto you, Disney’s writers were laughing at us THE entire time. I’m laughing too. Sounds like a wicked job to me, mindfucking America’s Youth.

This brings me to ….

Ariel


She looks so innocent, right? Playing with her fishy friends and collecting trash and treating it as treasure. She had every right to be innocent. But, let me ask this? How do Merpeople mate? Do they just rub fins together until the merwoman is pregnant? Is it like most fish, where the woman lays the eggs, and the merman YULES all over them, thus creating fertalized mereggs?

The reason I asked is….well. A vagina was a BRAND new thing for Ariel. Matter fact, they didn’t even call Ariel a merwoman. She was still a mermaid. An untouched maiden of the sea. Not exactly sure what went untouched. I guess it was improper for a merman to get in between them fish fins.



Then she gets her chance, becomes human. With this, she has to learn how to walk, eat, BREATHE like a human. Then she’s handed a vagina. You know how complicated a vagina is? Most women have 12-15 years to get used to it before anybody else is even remotely interested in seeing it. The first 5 years consisting of the opposite sex thinking it has cooties. She had her vagina for, what 5 days tops, before she got married.

Married….HONEYMOON.

Dear GOD could you imagine her wedding night?

Ariel spent a large portion of her life, thinking corkscrews were thingamjigs and forks dinglehoppers. I’m sure she’d never seen a phallus in her life. But oh boy, was her new husband about to show her some thangs.

“You wanna stick your WHAT in my WHAT? What the FUCK is that? Yooo! Back the fuck up, man! What is…. HELL NAH! GET OFF ME!”

I mean Prince Eric was a sailor, he probably learned all KINDS of freaky nasty shit out on the sea, and of course he would want to try them out on his new wife. With her brand new, never been seen, never been touched, vagina..

Wait till you see my dick, aye girl...just wait....

That thang didn’t come with an instruction manual. Ursela knew what she was doing, sending that girl off into this sleezy human world with an intact hymen. A kiss? HA! She knew what Eric was gone want once he saw that ass. The hag.



He probably touched her love below and she probably screamed bloody murder.

Awkward.

He pulled out.