Water Water Everywhere

You’re just a running along, pretty rested up because the only thing that was difficult besides that retarded ass maze room in the Fire Temple was The Fire Dancer mini boss. You’re also off the high of beating Volvagia, who you beat faster than Queen Gohma. So what’s next? A quick trot you and Epona make across Hyrule field from Death Mountain Crater to Zora’s Domain. You swag out Zelda’s Lullaby and you’re in.

But wait, after you find King Zora’s fat ass in what looks like a block of frozen cherry Jell-O, you see that you’ve got to endure what might be considered the wackest of all side levels ever created. The Ice Cavern. Flying blue bats that freeze you *blink*, some kind of ice sculpture thingamagig that guess what…freezes you. Then that over complicatedly buttfuck of an ice block section, which now you’ve developed a newfound sense of acrophobia due to the fact that you could fall off the edges at any given moment. And this is all just a prelude.

Now you’ve gotta go where?

What did you just say?

asdkajldfkjaSKRtj’o3i ldjfa;,sdjr’h’olkjp28u]-8y09-1493 319!!!

Oh! Sorry! I just threw my keyboard down and river danced on that bitch. Does that shit say the WATER TEMPLE? You bet your highly frustrated ass it does.

They ain’t lying

Popular to contrary belief, although playing video games is fun, at NO point should it make you want to re-up your gun permit and go shoot a dolphin.

First of all the probability of me believing that the Zora can create a tunic that helps me breathe under water, but can’t design a temple that doesn’t want to make me pull out each one of my hairs individually with a pair of pliers is very low. Who, on what drug, created this shit?

So in a nut shell, The Water Temple was created to….*blink blink* Oh right. The Water Medallion. It was created to protect the Water Medallion from the hands of evil, but apparently the way it was designed, it protects EVERYBODY from ever laying a finger on it. At one point in the game, you forget that it exists. Hell is it even REAL?

There are three levels of bullshit where you, your tunic, boots and longshot have to figure out what level the water needs to be at, what room you need to be in at the correct time, deciphering whether you need a big key or a small key, all the while avoiding whirlpools, spiked clamshells, those godforsaken Tektites, and a grown up and apparently horny, Princess Ruto.

If he hit that….is that considered beastiality? I mean it’s not to far removed from Ariel and Prince Eric.

And JUST when you think you’ve pretty much got your “longshot here, okay, big key there, iron boots here, longshot, longshot, longshot, take your boots off. Wait, damn it. Hell, start over. Gahdamn it Link! Take your boots off! Ah shit I accidentally switched to the Fire Tunic! I can’t breathe, I’mma die. Oh shit! Oh…okay. I made it!” swag down, here comes THIS monkey see monkey doo bitch.

Hey there

After clashing swords for thirty minutes you realize you can just daddy stroke on the devil’s head with some Din’s Fire. So at this point, you’re thinking that after all the bullshit with water levels, and keys, dungeon maps, crabs that can float on water, longshots and arrows, that the boss of this Temple is about to whoop yo ass, right?

All of this for MORPHA? Morpha. A GIGANTIC AMEOBA? This is who you’ve chosen to guard the Water Medallion?
Fuck you Water Temple. Fuck you.