I started this conversation late night with #BasedLenzy (shoutout to Dr. HipHop ) and it was what spawned the thought about Peter Pan’s hoe ass.

But we’ve got to start thinking of things outside of the crap we were spoonfed as children, and analyze them as adults. Disney, although makers of my favorite movies and defnietly my favorite soundtracks, was full of shit. A bunch of stoners that sat around with pens, color pencils and paper, trying to figure out how to delay the mindfucks they subjected to us as kids. We’d only discover these things as we reached a certain age and then BAM….childhood lost.

Simba was a bitch. In modern times, Snow White would be considered a loose woman, co-habitating with 7 men, unmarried. The Great Prince of the Forest (Bambi’s dad) had to deal with going from weekend visitation rights to taking care of him every day. Think about it. How many Disney characters made it out of the movie with both parents alive? Right. All kinds of craziness was going down. But hear this: verily I say unto you, Disney’s writers were laughing at us THE entire time. I’m laughing too. Sounds like a wicked job to me, mindfucking America’s Youth.

This brings me to ….

Ariel


She looks so innocent, right? Playing with her fishy friends and collecting trash and treating it as treasure. She had every right to be innocent. But, let me ask this? How do Merpeople mate? Do they just rub fins together until the merwoman is pregnant? Is it like most fish, where the woman lays the eggs, and the merman YULES all over them, thus creating fertalized mereggs?

The reason I asked is….well. A vagina was a BRAND new thing for Ariel. Matter fact, they didn’t even call Ariel a merwoman. She was still a mermaid. An untouched maiden of the sea. Not exactly sure what went untouched. I guess it was improper for a merman to get in between them fish fins.



Then she gets her chance, becomes human. With this, she has to learn how to walk, eat, BREATHE like a human. Then she’s handed a vagina. You know how complicated a vagina is? Most women have 12-15 years to get used to it before anybody else is even remotely interested in seeing it. The first 5 years consisting of the opposite sex thinking it has cooties. She had her vagina for, what 5 days tops, before she got married.

Married….HONEYMOON.

Dear GOD could you imagine her wedding night?

Ariel spent a large portion of her life, thinking corkscrews were thingamjigs and forks dinglehoppers. I’m sure she’d never seen a phallus in her life. But oh boy, was her new husband about to show her some thangs.

“You wanna stick your WHAT in my WHAT? What the FUCK is that? Yooo! Back the fuck up, man! What is…. HELL NAH! GET OFF ME!”

I mean Prince Eric was a sailor, he probably learned all KINDS of freaky nasty shit out on the sea, and of course he would want to try them out on his new wife. With her brand new, never been seen, never been touched, vagina..

Wait till you see my dick, aye girl...just wait....

That thang didn’t come with an instruction manual. Ursela knew what she was doing, sending that girl off into this sleezy human world with an intact hymen. A kiss? HA! She knew what Eric was gone want once he saw that ass. The hag.



He probably touched her love below and she probably screamed bloody murder.

Awkward.

He pulled out.

Wait Wait Wait! Hear me out! I’m not out here to tarnish the beloved image of your dear Peter Pan. Peter was good people. You know, with his reckless childhood regressive mental disorder. Who NEVER wants to grow up?

But think about it. Peter Pan WAS a hoe. Oh, don’t believe me?

Take Never Never Land. A beautiful oasis full of lush green jungle, beautiful clear water, sandy beaches. Everything a woman could want in an picturesque getaway. And Peter Pan took FULL advantage of that. I wonder how many hoes young ladies windows did he knock on (in whatever town that was) late at night? Convincing them to sniff on this power “It’ll make you fly! Think Happy Thoughts“, and he’d take them to paradise? Peter Pan was fucking every woman in that town. His lure? Pixie dust and adventure. Women love adventure.


Wendy was lured to a tropical getaway, under the pretense that this was going to be the romantic trip of her young life, only to be dropped in the middle of Peter Pan’s harem.

Harem?

Oh. RIGHT. Mermaid #1. Mermaid #2. Mermaid #3, Mermaid #4, Mermaid #5, Tiger Lilly, Tinkerbell and probably countless other young virgins Peter feed to the Penis Gods. Ones that the author managed to miss. Probably because they couldn’t keep up, ran out of ink, paper, patience.




And TINKERBELL. Peter’s Bottom Bitch. FORCED on crusade after crusade after crusade, watching Peter swoon hoe after hoe, when she was in love clamping down on her feelings because she knew Peter wasn’t shit and wouldn’t love her back.


I’m not even taking in the fact that Peter Pan went back after he abandoned Wendy, for some hot new ass. Jane.



Or how later on in life, he decided he wanted to be a man, married Moyra….WENDY’S damn GRANDDAUGHTER of all people.



Shame.

Little fool thought he could do what he wanted because he looked like a mini Justin Timberlake.


Peter Pan was a HOE.

Dear Samurai Champloo,

I am writing you with all the love one can muster for three imaginary characters set in a Tokugawa shogunate, Edo-esque period. My heart, the poor thing, can’t contain it’s excitement from the very thought of you. The way you effictevly blend modern concepts with ancient ones. The way you effortelessly keep us entertained while infusing us with history lessons. Oh, Champloo. Why were yo only 26 episodes long? The torture! Where are you now, Mugen, Jin and Fuu? Why are we left to wonder as to what happened to you? Fans have resorted to easing the pain of your departure with fictions and cos-play. Come back. We miss you. We love you.

Your Fans

Okay. Now that I got THAT out of the way. It’s hard to be a hardcore fan of cartoons; anime to be more specific, and NOT have heard of Samuari Champloo. If you are like me, you’ve seen the anime once…or five times and also purchased the box set to go along with it. Why? Because Champloo is a cornerstone of anime. Why, you ask again? I’ll tell you.

There are thousands upon thousands of animes, mangas, OVA, ect floating around on the television, Ebay, comic book shops, my hardrive, the internet. But if you were new to the genre and were to ask a fan, you’ll be hardpressed to find someone who wouldn’t mention Champloo as a series you should watch. Especially fans of hip hop. Shinichirō Watanabe found a way to fuse modern hip hop culture with a storyline set in the Edo period of Japan’s history. Beatboxing, breakdancing, rap, Mugen’s whole existence, is centered around urban hip hop culture, while remaining true to the period itself.

The story centers around a girl name Fuu, who has lost her mother and on an eternal search for the father that left her. A man who smells of Sunflower. That is her only clue, and with that drags Mugen and Jin along to help her locate the man that abandoned her and her mother.



Mugen, manages to save her from an unjustly punishment and somehow ends up duking it out with Jin, thus the two becoming lifetime “enemies” for most of the series. Only by the stregnth of Fuu, making them work together do they hold off “killing” each other. Mugen seemingly is a base level character, only concerned with prostitutes, food and liqour. But despite this has a secret past that he isn’t too quick to spill for his traveling companions.



Last, but not least (because he is my bias in this series which makes him full of awesomeness) is Jin. A ronin ( a wandering samurai) enters Fuu’s establishment, ends up tangeling with Mugen, therefore becoming the third member of this traveling nomadic group. Jin is a character with a noble past, sullied by a secret surrounding the death of his master. Jin is quiet, thinks before he acts, passionate and intelligent. If Fuu is the heart of the group, Mugen the energy, Jin is de facto leader, with all of his strategy and quiet wisdom.

Puuuuurdy

Only 26 episodes long, Samurai Champloo boast the soundtrack of a lifetime (might have one of the BEST openings ever), the adventure that is realistic yet combustible at all times, and a frank friendship that grows despite the three characters stating otherwise. If you’ve seen it, see it again. If you haven’t watched it yet….don’t make me COME and MAKE you watch it.

(A/N: I’ve had this argument four or five times. The hints of Fuu’s crush on Jin and the sub-sequential hints that he did care for Fuu should have been explored more…but then again Shinichirō Watanabe only gave us 26 damn episodes so. And no, being with Mugen just because he’s cool is retarded.