Three Reasons Why Disney Ain’t Shit

The Walt Disney company is a megalomaniacs dream come true. They’ve managed to corner the market on kid’s dreams. Movies, theme parks, toys and even cereal. There is nothing that this company can’t do and won’t do. And I meant that in the literal sense. Because despite the magically innocent image that Disney portrays, they are as wholesome as a gang of teenage boys with nothing to do on a Friday night. Disney films are packed with racism, sexism, stupidisms and unnecessary-isms that apparently we thrive off of for entertainment to this day.

Racism and Sexism

There is no surprise with the first one, if you REALLY think about it. The Walt Disney Company was founded in the early 1920’s. Not a year you’d expect Walt and the crew to go against (I’m pretty sure it was the norm during that era) racial and sexist propaganda and slander in to the mouths of young babes. Racist and racial thinkings aren’t BORN you silly goose, they’re learned. The sly thing about Walt and ‘nem was the racial bigotry presented was enough to catch your attention in this anti-racism modern culture but subtle enough to pass for good laughs on the editing room floor, theaters and most conveniently your living room.

One of the most BLARINGLY, what the hell were they thinking, is this REAL what I’m watching episodes of Uncle Walt’s tactful “look and point, they’re different” examples is Walt Disney’s Fantasia. It’s a wonderful movie; beautifully drawn and composed, a story without words, really.

The scene opens up with beautiful, ultra feminine, scantily clad (and by scantily I mean nude) centaurs of all complexions ( by complexions I mean white). Looks to be another chapter of mystical and mythical wonders created by the Disney company. Until we hit the :10 mark. WHO THE HELL IS THAT?

She looks absolutely in heaven shinning that horse-hoe’s feet.

There’s not much to say, but I didn’t think there would be a need for a black pickaninny hoof polishing centaur-maid when you’ve got cherubs going around cheerfully completing those mundane task.

The Indians in Peter Pan, *facepalm*.

Aladdin; this speaks more to cultural insensitivity rather than racism, seeing as we were on our way to having a wonderfully multicultural giglefest at Disney when this film was created. The lead female role, was strong and wise and who can’t help but love Jasmine? But I can’t remember a time in Arabic history where a woman, royalty or commoner, was allowed to prance around like some woman out of a harem.

That is one insulting blow to the Arabic culture AND women, Disney. She’s strong, she’s smart, powerful and rich, resourceful….but she dresses like a slut. Good job.

Hidden Sexual Messages

This isn’t so much as a BAD thing. If I were a parent, I’d be PISSED, but seeing as a I’m still a vamp 20-something youth (cough) I giggled my little ass off about these things. The sexual subliminal messages.

The most notable, other than that lame Lion King spelling sex with some poppyseeds or whatever the hell, dandylions…something, would be the phallic center of Ariel’s kingdom. As mentioned in , Mermen probably don’t have penises, so the fact that Walt’s gang decided that a penis belong on top of Ariel’s home is rather…funny.

In the same movie, when Vanessa (Ursula) and the brainwashed Prince are about to get married (don’t tell me you ain’t think Ursula was gonna take him home and tap that ass before destroying the MerKingdom) we get to see this WONDERFUL image of the priest salivating over Vanessa’s body.

(You shoulda showed that boner to Ariel so she wouldn’t have the SHIT scared outta her on her wedding night.)

Dear LORD I didn’t know this existed until someone told me to google. We’ve all seen Who Frame Roger Rabbit right? (shoots the guy in the back with the blank expression). Right. I’ve seen it a million times, (I learned my little sexy strut from a Mrs Rabbit by the way). Did anybody ever notice the scene where they’re fleeing via cartoon taxi (mistake, duh), ole boy with the google eyes throws the ooze, they hit a lamppost part? Did you know it supposedly has a two second upskirt shot…and Mrs. Rabbit doesn’t like to wear underwear? Gasp! Le Gasp!

Not like it ruin my childhood, Jessica spent the better half (and by half, I mean all) of the movie damn near naked. So this goes to show the only thing keeping her from showing ALL her goodies to the world was a vamp, sequenced TINY slip of fabric she called a dress 🙂

Sequels Shitfest

Although not as radical as the others, this one actually makes me the angriest.
Thus I don my hopping mad Jade talk. I decided to write Disney an open letter, from the heart. Written by me, narrated and edited by Samuel L. Jackson.

Dear Disney,

WHO in the hell is in charge of the SEQUELS round that bitch? I can take ya’ll being racist and shitty as fuck, but you ain’t gone ruin The Little Mermaid in THIS house. Who the fuck told ya’ll to give us insight on Ariel and Eric’s lives. We were fine knowing the two were off somewhere having painful, scary, mermaid virgin sex. We ain’t need to know about her caterpillar eyebrowed daughter and her stupid, yet predictable plot reversal need to jump in the damn ocean. We ain’t care about Ursula’s skinny ass sister either. Where was she when Ursula was tryna take over the ocean anyways. Sit yo ass down somewhere, Morgana.

And another thing Disney. Not one, but TWO unnecessary Aladdin sequels. Although Aladdin Daddy was fine, that didn’t distract me (yes it did, I’m lying).

Let them two brown fools get MARRIED already! I don’t wanna see em court. I don’t wanna see em fight and break up. I don’t care about family angst and relationship woos. And DisneyStraightToDVDBasedGod ain’t DIE for ya’ll to let me hear a Genie that don’t sound like Robin Williams. Fuck outta here!

One mo thing, muthafuckah. There ain’t NO COUNTRY for Lion King 2. I know you guys have a penchant for throwing Shakespeare around like you’ve got the royalties to it, but nobody trying see this wack ass Romeo Must Die version of The Lion King. AIN’T THE LIONS GONE THROUGH ENOUGH WALT? Now you wanna pit them against EACH OTHER? Fuck. Let Kovu and Kiara-whats-her face smash. It’s bad enough you was a BITCH as a kid Simba, now you wanna be a bitch ass daddy too? It’s because you had two black parents and you white as a the driven snow, isn’t it? Or is it because they kidnapped you from Japan, changed your name, painted you gold and THEN told you you was black?

Nala shoulda lion-bitchslapped you. Go get some lion-help somewhere Simba. You angsting up the Pridelands with your regressed sadness and misplaced anger. I’m kidding Simba. I love you.

Before I go. Lady and the Tramp Two? A Goofy Movie ….TWO? The HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME TWO? CINDERALLA TWO!?!

*goes to pop the trunk*

You stay here. I’ll be RIGHT back.

You lucky when I found out about Ferngully 2 , that you weren’t responsible for it. REAL LUCKY.