Disney characters are built to please. They are engineered by snatching key characteristics from fables and tales, balling them up and spitting them back out, glossy and loveable and chock full of good morals. Like walking fortune cookies or something.

So it amazes me that even with most of the negative stripped away and I don’t know, shipped to Donald Trump’s house where he uses them to glue his hair to his head, that some Disney characters are still useless and…

well…bitches.

Let’s take a look at a few of them.

Mowgli

Yeah, I said it. Mowgli.

We all know the story of Mowgli and  The Jungle Book. Mowgli, a young non-descript boy from some region in India, is orphaned and found by Bagheera, who takes him to a mother wolf to be raised with her cubs.

That’s basically the end of Mowgli’s bitchassness.

Ten years pass after we see infant Mowgli being given to wolves as some sort of social experiment in raising children and I’m surprised he wasn’t more fucked up than he appeared. THEY LEFT A HUMAN WITH WOLVES.(Might have made sense to take him back to the man village TEN YEARS AGO, but you know, Rudyard Kipling/ Disney is more concerned with plot than SENSE.  My question is  how did he not end up as dinner? I would have ate his ass.)

Anyways, as ten-year old Mowgli is horepla–wait…wolfplaying?–around with his “brothers” the wolf tribe clan (ain’t nothing to f’wit) gets word that an OG is back in the Jungle! That’s right. Shere Khan, the man eater.

Now I got 32 flavors of that bootylious bubblegum. Raspberry, grape, cherry, come and get this honey bun.

So out of some kind of divine illogical heroism that trumps the fact that Shere Khan would EAT THEM TOO, the entire jungle gets together to send Mowgli back to wherever the hell he came from. Which is probably NOT where he came from, it just happens to have human people there whereas everyone suddenly remembers he’s NOT A FUCKING WOLF.

(I would like to make the case that if Mowgli does make it back to the man-village, he’s been set up for a life of extreme poverty, seeing he has no damn parents, family, relatives or friends, no social skills, or any skills that would assist him in making a way for himself and NOT STARVING TO DEATH. They also forget he does not have the ability to INTERACT WITH HUMANS BECAUSE THEY LEFT HIM WITH WOLVES, BEARS, ELEPHANTS, APES, VULTURES and a PANTHER DURING THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF HIS FORMATIVE YEARS.)

However, that is better than being mauled to death and then eaten so its still a good plan?

Bagheera, the black panther who decides to look out for his fellow creature of color, volunteers (or is forced…I don’t remember) to take Mowgli’s scrawny ass back to the man village.

I’m glad they made the black guy have some sense.

You know what? Now that I’m thinking about it, the Jungle Book is RIFE with bitchass characters because here comes Baloo’s USELESS, lazy, gutless ass. Louie wasn’t much either,  damn sure wasn’t going to get anywhere with them vultures, not sure what kind of lesson the elephants imparted on him. At least the wolves cared for him. Kaa spent most of his screentime either high or trying to get people high. (Ya’ll can believe that hypnosis thing if you want. His eyes were wonky and he was feeding people shrooms and….okay, nevermind).

Mowgli CHARGED UP

BUT LIKE I SAID. Just about everybody BUT Bagheera was worthless.

Uhm, sidenote: Here is some weird Bagheera/ Nala fan art. I don’t know…thought you might enjoy it?

Okay! So! To make a long story short, Mowgli is somehow convinced  by the alcoholic deadbeat in disguise, Baloo, that he is not a wolf, but a bear and is “adopted” by Baloo as a younger brother/son.

Mowgli has to learn to make better decisions, man. Nothing about Baloo screams parental figure. THERE IS A TIGER IN THE JUNGLE TRYING TO KILL YOU AND you floating down the river with the bear equivalent of the offspring of The Dude from ’The Big Lebowski’  and Homer Simpson if that was biologically possible.

It all ends well, I guess, because after they accidentally defeat Shere Khan with the help of GOD (because I figure he was tired of the unprecedented level of idiocy going on in his jungle), Mowgli and Baloo decide to stay together because…I guess it makes sense???? (to someone who is well versed in NOT making sense.)

And as the idiot wolf  kid, mentored by a panther, tutored in the art of dance under an Ape, and well acquainted with tiger spookery, sets up this shiftless inept bear to be a father, guess what Mowgli sees?

A damn girl.

…give me all your money and give me all your residuals…

Just like that, whole adoption thing is off the table. F’ Baloo, F’ Bagheera, F’ all of the Jungle because Mowgli sees a girl. I don’t even think he said goodbye. He looked back alright before he waddled into a village –(inhales: which I’m sure isn’t going to adopt him and again, he has no trade, speaks what he THINKS is English –its probably a collection of roars and grunts because HE WAS RAISED BY ANIMALS—is dirty, he stinks, he makes bad decisions and he doesn’t have a loyal bone in his body.)

Mowgli probably died that winter.

If not, they should have let Shere Khan eat his ass for being an asshole.

And let the record be known I am NOT talking about live action Mowgli because gaht-toe-mighty, I’dda lived in a few trees myself to get a piece of that.

Prince Eric

Yeah. I said it! And?

Look. I LOVE Prince Eric. I do. I absolutely adore him. He was fine. Not Aladdin or his Daddy fine, but…

He was fine as hell, with those broad shoulders and that dark lovely hair and that wonderfully lightly toasted skin and those eyes, god, those EYES! And, if you want to take this a step further, I’m pretty sure Henry Cavill of Superman fame is his real life doppleganger.

There is so much fine in this picture…

And he was a pretty nice person, you know, he didn’t have an attitude problem, wasn’t pompous or arrogant or nasty or just plain evil as a Prince. He was really the guy down the street who works at the bagel shop with a penchant of giving you an extra container of cream cheese just because but who happens to also be a multi-billionaire trying to live like a normal person (cue Lifetime Movie!). That’s Eric.

Eric is also tragically useless and stupid.

He also represents what’s wrong with men. Simmer down. I’ll explain.

Look. If I ever become a deaf mute and you find me on the side of the beach or whatever, I’ll appreciate the clothes and food and company, BUT JESUS CHRIST MAN don’t start our first conversation with

“YOU’RE THE ONE I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR! THE WOMAN OF MY DREAMS! THE LOVE OF MY LIF–oh. 

You can’t talk? Like foreal? Foreal foreal, you can’t talk? Ew. Nah, not you. But you know, come put on some clothes you pathetic miserable dysfunctional thing. You kind of look like you’re in love with me. Too bad. But you can live with me until I find the woman I’m actually looking for!”

Oh, don’t give me that look. You SAW the look on Ariel’s face when she thought Eric recognized her. HE SAW IT TOO since he was clutching at her like a 75% off Salvatore Ferragamo suit at Macy’s.

I mean LOOK

AT THIS OH MY GOD

LOOK AT THIS!

Then he proceeds to flirt with her for two straight days–in Disney time that’s 12 years. I’m not talking he kind of flirts with her, I’m talking “I’m probably going to set you up as a side piece but treat you like my girl then deny you in public” flirts with her.

Wait till you see my dick, OH GIRL

HE KNOW HE FINE! Don’t chuckle handsomely at me like that! Stop looking me in my eyes like that. WHY!? Why did you kiss me on my forehead! Don’t hold my hand! Why aren’t you returning my phone calls? WHY AREN’T YO–

Oh. Sorry. Flashback.

He eventually redeems himself by almost kissing her because he was in the mood (caused by a talking crab but whatever) and he ends up chucking his love flute into the ocean but because he’s stupid and you would THINK a Prince would have studied how to combat the dark arts or something, he lets Ursula steal him away. Because he’s useless.

Wand-Lighting Charm! Smokescreen Spell! Dont’ just STAND there, Eric. DO SOMETHING.

I MEAN THE WOMAN WHO SAVED YOU PROBABLY SMELLED LIKE A GIANT SHRIMP BECAUSE SHE’S A GIANT SHRIMP MY GOD YOU IDIOT!

A good kind of fish smell, tho…

He did ram a ship into Ursula’s side in the end so I mean…I guess he’s okay.

And fine.

Simba

YEAH I SAID IT! FIGHT ME!

ALL CHILDHOOD STARS MATTER

It’s no secret that I have a small amount of love for Simba. Maybe it was his voice actor. Jonthan Taylor Thomas was weirdly attractive squinty eyed older boy who plagued my childhood and would not leave. He also didn’t star in Mighty Ducks. Don’t ask me why that matters it just does. MIGHTY DUCKS WAS IMPORTANT.

Or maybe it was his adult voice actor, Paul…Eric? Math…Brod…Sarah Jessica Parker’s husband. I mean, honestly. The King of the Jungle (another issue, ain’t no lions in the jungle right but okay) sounds like the soccer dad who brings gluten free PB&J’s to Saturday morning games.

You sound like your balls never dropped, Simba. Why are you smiling?

Look, just everything about Simba rubbed me the wrong way.

He didn’t deserve Nala, he didn’t deserve friends as cool and Timon and Pumba, he didn’t deserve Elton John crooning as he made lion love to his half sister, either. HE AIN’T DESERVE NONE OF IT.

Why?

Because he WAS partly responsible for his dad’s death and you can’t tell me otherwise!

BROTHER NOOOOOOOOOOO!

GET UP, CRAIG!

Yeah, yeah. I get it. He was like…seven or something, but he was still a Prince. Prince Harry couldn’t even fart wrong as a child without the tabloids calling him Satan’s Ginger. There are pre-teen Princes around the world RULING because the previous king died. They had to grow up quick, why? Because since they were able to understand that they were princes (I estimate that cognitive recognition around two weeks old), they understood they had a duty and responsibilities. (Which Simba understood because he had an entire three minute goofy ass song  while he pounced and stepped and nae-nae’d on his subject’s heads, talking about what he would do when he became King).

Let’s boil this down to a simple statement. The reason Simba ain’t shit is because he’s an idiot (a redeemable idiot if you’ve ever, I don’t know, seen the movie, but still an idiot).  You think they didn’t tell him about Scar’s evil ass? They did. He paid no attention in his classes (we can tell this because Simba barely knows ANYTHING about anything. Hell, he didn’t even understand the Circle of Life until he himself spit out a kid).

I mean LOOK AT YOUR UNCLE, kid! Does he look trustworthy? Have you seen him at court? Does he have an official title in your Dad’s kingdom? Does he have any known associates that you know personally OTHER THAN YOUR DAD? He called you a MONKEY! LOOK AT HIS EYES, BOY! HE EITHER ON THAT shit or he ain’t yo uncle!

Might be purple, it might be pink…

And furthermore…

DIDN’T YOUR FATHER SPECIFICALLY TELL YOU NOT TO GO TO THE SHADOWY PLACE? DIDN’T HE? JUST THE DAY BEFORE?

 What’s wrong with you, Simba?!

Then you RUN? Screw your mother, screw Nala, ZaZu, people with CONNECTION TO THE KINGDOM YOU NOW RULE AND WHO COULD PROBABLY GIVE YOU VALUABLE ADVICE…nah. You run.

Took you hallucinating about the father you helped killed to get you to return.

NOT EVEN going to get into how he acted in the sequel. What a bitch.

I’m a self-hating Lion King with limited objectivity because I’m going to judge you before I even get to know you! Then I’ll act like an ass the entire time which will distract me from seeing the REAL DANGER.

(Okay, word of advice, because I love you. BE VERY VERY CAREFUL when searching for pictures from Lion King. Don’t click on much. There’s a lot of things…going on in the Lion King fandom that’s…that’s…um, the R-rated version of this.)

Don’t ask me no qustions. PLEASE.

That’s it. I’ve expended myself with all of this rage. Did I miss anybody? Let me know. I got time today, cuz.